Day One: Something You Hate About Yourself

Hate.
Such a strong word that I seldom use it.
There are a few things that I dislike about myself, some of which I truly have no control over- like, the fact that I will never have a beautiful smile.  Or, that my heart rules all my actions. There are other things that I can control, but allow myself to surrender to defeat.  You know, being on the giving end of a relationship, always working harder than most for the least recognition, eating more than I should/exercising way less.  You get the point.  In most recent years I have been trying my hardest to learn to love myself truly, flaws included. In that process, I have also learned that the part of me that I dislike (hate) the most is the part of me that really needs love the most-my self-esteem.

I probably have the worst self esteem of anyone you know.  And, because of that, people that I love suffer.
My Low Self-Esteem speaks to the jealousy and encourages it.  Low Self -Esteem speaks to envy and blinds me from all the wonderful things in my life.
Low Self-Esteem makes me see things that are not real.
Low Self- Esteem tricks my heart and clouds my mind.
Even still, little by little, I am learning to feed love to the one thing I hate the most in hopes that one day it will shed its ugly lining and blossom into the most beautiful entity it is destined to become.

30 Days of Truth

I didn't have enough self discipline to complete the last well (hell, make it through the first five) but I am determined to complete this one.  Join me, if you dare.

Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 — Something you love about yourself

Day 03 — Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 — Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 — Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 — Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 — Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 — Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 — Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 — Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 — A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 — A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 — Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living 

without it.

Day 16 — Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 — A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 — Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 — What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 — Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 — (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 — Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 — Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 — Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 — The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 — Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 — What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 — What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 — Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 — A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Welcome to the Happiest Place on Earth.

In December, we traveled to visit my side of the family in Tampa.  On the 22nd, we took a one day trip to the most magical, amazing place on Earth- Disney World.
You see, ever since I was a little girl Disneyland/DisneyWorld  became a yearly event.  Always something that I looked forward to-a constant- a day (or few) where all my troubles would melt away and I would float amongst the magic of my favorite characters and stories.  I hope to one day share in that magic with my child, and last year I was able to do that and more...

Not only did I share in the joy with my one and a half year old, but my mother was there and all was right in the world.

I must admit, Disney with a toddler was something I thought would drive us to drink, but I am so incredibly proud at how well behaved Uly was.  Not only that, but he rode Pirates of the Caribbean and the Haunted Mansion without being afraid of anything!  He totally squealed with delight when the dip of the ship occurred and played "el coco" with me throughout the dark parts of the rides.  I have an amazing little boy that does not cease to surprise me daily with how magnificent he is.

While this may not be a yearly tradition I can continue, I will never allow more than 3 yrs lapse without visiting the mouse with Uly.
I know what Heaven feels like: It's your little boy cuddling with you on the Haunted Mansion ride.

Because I Don't Want to Forget...

• For the past month he has been improving on his numbers, letters and colors.
• He can count to ten on his own.
• He can count to tres in Spanish.
• He knows the order of the alphabet, though only pronounces a few letters.  Mainly A, B, E, K, O, P, S,T.
• He can recognize and pronounce colors such as "lello", red, blue, "een" and my personal favorite- "puh'pal."
• He recognizes mommy's "Tat-too."
• When he wants to be picked up he says "up" and extends his arms.
• When he wants "down" he tells you, also.
• "Thank you" and "you're welcome" are a regular part of his vocabulary now.
• He knows who "Oski" is.
• He can tell you if something is "hot" or "cold."
• "Cat" and "puppy" are recognizable, too.
• Thanks to Diego, "yum, yum, yum, delicioso" is also a part of his vocabulary.
• "Eat" , "juice" , "more" and "all done"  are heard at meal times.
• When you ask him how much Mommy loves him- he answers "mmmmmback" (to the moon and back )
• He knows the tune and hand motions to The Itsy Bitsy Spider, Row, Row Row Your Boat, Skimmamarinky Dinky Dink and even says "Iiiii  you!" (I love you)
• His first song recognition was Old MacDonald and he would sing "EIEI-O."

Day 03 – Your Parents

I grew up a poor, black child.
I kid, I kid. Ahhh, but I do love me some Steve Martin.
I am first generation American.  The product of a Cuban mother and Puerto Rican father.
My mother had the unfortunate fate to be named after her Patron Saint-Gliceria. Her middle name is Margarita and after making it to the USA, she thankfully took on the moniker of "Maggie."
She was the elder sibling and had to take on the role of translator at an early age.  At 18 she began working in the Workman's Comp Claims industry and has been there ever since, despite a few attempts to revisit College.
She met my father shortly thereafter and I was conceived before she could legally drink. (In case you were wondering, it was in Vegas while watching 'Saturday Night Fever')
My father hails from Puerto Rico and swept my mom off her feet at an early age.  I'm not sure if it was his long hair, his penchant for great music or his brief stint in the military, but boy she was smitten. 
Sadly, their relationship perished by the time I was 2.  As much as I wish they would have/could have stayed together, I am happy they didn't because now I have 4 wonderful siblings that came from their future relationships.
I love my parents deeply, and they did the best they could-I could never resent them for that. At 21 I didn't know what color I wanted to dye my hair let alone could consider having a child. Kudos to them doing what was best.

Day 02 – Your first love

Ah, young love. So sweet, yet so cruel.
I remember being 5 and madly in 'love' with Richard.  Richard was this sweet, timid, perfectly mannered little boy with dark brown skin and darker hair and eyes.
He could do no wrong.
We were both in the same Kindergarten class with Mrs. Thomas who had to be pushing 90. Seriously.
Anyway, we were both in the same class, but I'm sure he didn't realize I existed.  You see, Richard was madly in 'love' with Irene...my best friend.

Eventually I got over Richard and soon realized that boys came and went.  I did, however, realize that there would be a kind of love that would always be reciprocated.  Music.
Music is and always will be my first love. It moves me.  It soothes me.  It inspires me and calms me just the same.
I can relate any aspect of my life to a particular song.
I envision my future via soundtrack.
It makes me smile, it makes me cry.
No matter what, it is always there...
a love, to last a lifetime.

Day 01 – Introduce yourself

Hello.
My name is Jessica Marie and I am a procrastinator.  To prove it, look at the date on my previous entry and look at today's entry date. 'nuff said.
I also am a fan of lists and bullet points.  So, without further ado-my life in bullet points:

• I was born in Glendale, CA and lived there until I was 11.  Sadly, I've only been back once, but I do plan on taking my husband and son within the next year or so.
• At 11, I moved to Miami, Fl.  Graduated from Miami Coral Park Senior...famous Alumni? Yea, Edward James Olmos, Steven Bauer and wait for it...Pit Bull.
• I met my high school sweetheart at 14, married at 18 and we separated at 21.  Divorce came later...like at 25.  See? Procrastinator.
• I began writing on a weekly basis for this little place called 'DyingDays.'
• I met my now Husband thanks to that little place and we fell in lust-love on a slippery cobblestone street in New Orleans.
• Three months later, I drove my little, white, Dodge Neon to Mississippi to move in with him.
• Two years later, we were fortunate enough to make a trip to Cuba  to meet 92 relatives.
• Shortly after that, a hooker named Katrina decided to huff and puff and ruin home.
• Moved to Tampa, FL.  Gave it a go for 2 years and decided that Houston, TX would be a better match.
• Got Married in October (my favorite month) 2007 and moved to Houston in Dec.
• A year and a half later, we were blessed with the most precious boy ever. Ulysses Noel.  Think James Joyce, not Grant.
• I recently (September 1st) turned 31 and I can honestly say that I feel like life is just beginning for me.
• I have many quirks. 
• I love music. All sorts.  But, if I were to be honest, I would love for life to bring back grunge.
• I believe in sappy, over-the-top romantic gestures and also know that the little ones can truly be just as grand.
• I'm not a sports fan (though I played a wee bit of Basketball and Volleyball in Elementary) but this year I joined a Fantasy Football league.
• I'm not a true 'girly' girl. I never played with dolls, but I absolutely love make-up, mani/pedis and my hair taken care of.
• I love Tattoos. I currently have 7 and I hope to have my Ulysses Tattoo by his 2nd birthday.
• I strongly feel that no matter how old you are, you should always be made to feel special on your Birthday.
•  I am strong-willed and opinionated.  Though I recognize when it is best not to voice mine.
• I am compassionate, caring and empathetic to a fault.  I cry during commercials. 
• I love anything and everything Horror.  The "campy-er", the better.
• I love anything and everything Vintage.
• I surprise many when I speak Spanish.  Yes, I am Cuban-Puerto Rican and very proud.

So, yeah.  Introduction complete.  Hopefully the next few entries will allow a closer glimpse into who I am and what makes me, well, me.

Woah. I should dust this thing off...

I love to write.
I think too much for my own good. 
I like to write my thoughts out. 
When did I forget to do what I enjoyed?  Not sure, but here is another attempt to get these creative juices flowing once more...

Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A precious item
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – Your morning routine
Day 21 – Your job and/or schooling
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – Your sleeping habits
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your favorite foods/drinks
Day 30 – Your aspirations

I saw this in another journal that I read and thought it was great inspiration.  So later, I begin with #1.

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be."-Carrie Bradshaw

I let go and boy do I like where I'm going.  Remember that thing, you know-the thing where I said I was going to let go of negativity and become more positive?  Yeah, well, it's actually working.  Whowouldathunkit?! Let's be honest for a second.  I know I can't erase ALL of the negativity, but just changing my outlook has proven to be worthwhile.  Now if I could just get Raines to be more positive...yeah, I'll get back to you on that.

For the first time in a very, very long time I can actually say that I feel good.  I am now 2lbs shy of my pre-pregnancy weight, exercising pretty much every day, even if it's a 10min yoga video or  a little bit of strength training for my upper body-I'm doing it.  My allergies/sinus cold was crazy last week, so I didn't step foot in the gym, but I worked my booty at home and darn it, I am pretty proud of myself. I still have a long way to go, but the fact that I can now wear my pre-pregnancy clothes once again does amazing things for my confidence.

Work-wow, I love it.  I know, I know, it's crazy and super busy, but it really does help the time go by quickly.  I am 15minutes away from home WITH traffic and I feel so productive.  Not that staying at home with the munchkindoodle wasn't productive, but I just feel, I dunno, a sense of normalcy again?  I found my routine, it works and I'm happy.

More happy?  Ulysses took some UNASSISTED steps last night.  Granted, they were two, but he did it over and over again.  This makes me a happy momma.  I had become worried that he was falling behind.  Uly has always been pretty advanced and now that he is almost a year old and had not taken steps, well, it got to the worry wart of me.  But, I know he will do things when he is ready and I just have to be patient.

Patience?  I'm still working on that one.

I was this() close to getting acrylic nails this weekend.  I haven't had them for over a year, but I am so tired of my nails constantly chipping and my nail polish not lasting for more than 48hrs.  I decided against it (thank goodness) but if any of you have any tips on how to keep my nails looking fresh and chip free, well, I'm all ears.

I DID, however, do something that I thought I'd never do again.  I got bangs.  Straight across bangs.  I was looking for a change and something that was flattering to my face.  I was super nervous, but I am really happy with the outcome.  I  may even start a Divinyls type band.

JOKING!

Me, You Wouldn't Recall. For I'm Not My Former...

Hello, life!  I have missed you so!
I am thrilled to announce that I re-entered the working world this past Tuesday.  I am working in the front office for an Orthopedic practice and am loving it so far!  It's been extremely busy, and while I still have many things to learn, I just know I will catch on ASAP.
I have been waking up at o'dark-thirty and heading to the gym before work.   Two things:  I'm proud of myself and I really like how this allows me to wake up and feel energized.  I plan on pushing myself a little harder this coming week and kicking my workout up a notch.
One drawback is that by 8PM I am so ready to crash. I must find a way to remedy this.
I am also really surprised by how easy going back to work came for me.  I honestly thought I would feel guilt for leaving the munchkindoodle at home or be consumed with feelings of sadness.  In fact, the opposite occurred.  I feel so rejunivated and excited to accomplish things.  I truly think that staying home with him for most of his first year of life helped with this immensely.

Speaking of, the munchkin will turn ONE in five short weeks.  How did that happen???
I need to begin planning his Yo Gabba Gabba party.  Go Muno!

I've decided because I have a fresh start on so many things that I am going to try to live by Coco's words and not be so cynical.  I am going to try to keep a positive perspective on EVERYTHING and not allow myself to be influenced by the negativity of  others.  Plus, I'm going to be more selective about whom I share personal details of my life with.  Not everyone deserves that access, and if you have it, treasure it.

So there you have it.