Lifestyle Change.

I can't even BEGIN to count the numerous times I said I was starting a diet. "This is it.  This is the one.  No more waiting on tomorrow. TODAY."  I guess I'm even guilty of tricking myself into thinking that I was making a lifestyle change...

That is until recently.

I am now close to 8months post partum and I certainly do not have an excuse as to why the poundage is still on.  Sure, after the baby I instantly dropped close to 30 pounds, but I've still been way over my pre-pregnancy weight.
I'm not going to begin to list excuses, valid or not.
I'm not living in the woulda, coulda shoulda mode either.
Though denial is oftentimes soft and cushy, I have to trade it in  harsh reality.

So, that's just what I did.  A reality show, if you will.  You see, I watch The Biggest Loser.  I become so enthusiastic and inspired during that two hour span, and after the show, of course I reach for that pint of ice cream.  Defeated much?

If only I could go on the ranch and be whipped and prodded by Jill.  Or Bob.  I think I like Bob best. Anyway, SURELY I could do it that way.  You know, portion control and working out at the gym 6plus hours a day. DONE DEAL, man.

But, that's not going to happen.  So yeah, Ice cream here we go.

Well, that was the old me. The new me, well, re-invented me I should say is no longer that way.
I was beyond inspired by a contestant on the show, her name is  Abby .   After that horrible tragedy, I probably would have hid from the world forever, but she didnt. She continues on and most of the time you will find a beautiful smile on her face.  This really hit me.  Hard.

If she can do it, then by golly, so can I.
I have the reasons to right in front of me.  It's no longer ALL about looking good.  While that is a big part of it, it's a matter of feeling healthy and being around as long as I can for my husband and munchkindoodle. I am blessed to still have them in my life and a twinkie or double serving of pasta is not worth shaving years off my life.  Not just that, but I want to be an ACTIVE part of my son's life...not a huffing, puffing lump of lard.

So, I decided October 31st would be the first day of the BEST of my life.  I began a low carb meal plan, increased my water consumption and I walk with the munchkin a couple times a week.  I also will begin the couch to 5k plan next week.

So far I've seen water weight leave, but what I feel best about is that I am rarely hungry because of the intervals that I am eating at.  I haven't had heartburn since then and I've actually had an increase in energy.
I won't lie, I know I'll be eating sweets here and there and making some of the yummalicious Cuban food I adore, but I know my limits now.

I will nevermore hide in food.

I feel inspired.
I feel rejuvinated.
I feel good.

Present Tense

F

Forever a reminder to live in the moment.

I've spent too much time living in the past-you know, re-hashing situations in my mind, wondering what I could have done differently for a better outcome.  Missing "those days."
On the other hand, I've also spent way too much time making plans for the future, most which never quite turn out the way I had in mind.  Which then led to the inevitable...me, pissed off.

Needless to say, it's taken me 30 years to realize that I cannot change the past, and while I can affect the outcome of my future, if I spend too much time trying to perfect it, I miss the precious moments of the present.

While I never thought I'd tattoo my wrist, I felt it was the most appropriate spot for my new treasure.  Facing inward, it would constantly catch my eye and remind me to stop. Breathe. Live in the now.

Why Present Tense?  Good question.
When I was 11, I heard my first Pearl Jam song-'Alive.'  Shortly thereafter, my like for their music grew to love.  A love that comforted me in my darkest times.  A love that spoke to me like a quiet whisper, discretely hidden under covers.  A love that had perfect timing and aged as I did. A love that knew when my soul needed mending and quickly came to rescue.

For 19 years I've often pondered tattoo ideas to represent this love, but nothing I thought of seemed great enough.  Then it all made sense.

This song, Present Tense:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwamCGQU7_s
"You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets,or you can come to terms and realize you're the only one who can forgive yourself.
Makes much more sense to live in the present tense."

I agree.  It all came together-my perspective on life and my love for the band that continues to write songs just for me- this was it.

As the needle guided the ink into my skin, with each cringe, with each breath, I let go.
I let go of all the negative in my past that I cannot change.
I let go of his past, and realized that it had nothing to do with me and I cannot keep trying to compete with it.
I let go of anger, hurt, jealousies, punishments, hate...

I walked out a new person. I walked out with a huge weight lifted off my shoulders .
Who thought 12 letters could do so much?

Ulysses is Half a Year Old!

I'm not sure where the time went, but it certainly flew by. My little boy, my munchkintini, my bundle of love, my lovebug is not so little anymore. In fact, at his 6month Dr. appointment he weighed in at 18lbs 12 oz and was 28inches long!
He is still loving his exersaucer and war crawling. He now can pull the fan pully thingy (what IS the name for that?) and turn it and the light on or off. He is still saying "Abba" and makes the sweetest little sounds.

He loves it when I play "5 little monkeys swinging from a tree" and can't get enough tickles.

He was sleeping through the night, but this past week he's been waking up at 2-3AM. I'm hoping it's because his top teeth are trying to push through and that he will be back to normal asap.

He is the most amazing blessing and Mommy's best friend. I don't know how I did so long without him and now that he's here, I can't wait for him to grow and learn yet I want to hold on to each and ever little memory.

Time goes much too quickly, but my love for him grows more and more every day.

Happy Half Year Birthday, Munchkindoodle.

What Does Marriage Mean to You?

This lyric sums up how I feel nicely-"love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."-Leonard Cohen, Hallelujah

To me, love is not always rainbows and unicorns. Love is not constantly living in the "honeymoon phase."
Love is not a game, a lie, a battlefield nor a fairy tale.

Love is real.
Love is hard.
Love takes work.

Marriage, besides the legalities, is a union of two souls who want to journey together forever through life.
To me, Marriage is comprised of the following:

-resting my head on his chest to hear his heartbeat.
-looking in his eyes and knowing that he has lived a hard life, harder than most, and that the only person besides him that knows this is me.
-knowing his deepest, darkest secret(s).
-enjoying the masculine scent of his unbathed body.
-Him, remembering that I like my fries soft/soggy and baking them that way for me.
-Being spontaneous!
-Him, eating the red bell pepper enchiladas even though I goofed and should have made red pepper enchiladas.
-Farts, poop, snot and funk.
-The little things counting more than most major arguments.
-Working out your differences.
-Not being the "right" one all the time.
-Compromise, compromise, compromise.
-Never losing yourself.
-Being sexually innovative.
-Realizing that Love can kick the green-eyed monsters ass with her hands tied behind her back.
-Communication, communication, communication.
-Him, holding my hair whilst I hug the porcelain goddess.
-Me, caressing a cold washcloth with alcohol over his forehead and neck to combat a fever.
-Him, running out at any hour to buy something I'm craving while pregnant.
-Please and Thank You never leaving your vocabulary.
-Hugs and spanks just because.
-Giving him his space.
-Learning to love mine.
-Trust-without trust you have nothing.


I won't lie. Sometimes jealousy, resentment, insecurity and anger rear their ugly heads in, but marriage is knowing , no, the WILLINGNESS to continue to work together to understand the root of these things to eliminate them.

Marriage is love.
Marriage is work.
Marriage is beautiful, fragile yet stronger than anything you can ever encounter.

Marriage is real.

He Buzzes Like a Fridge, He's Like a Detuned Radio.

Another year has come and gone, and just in one hour I will be 30.
The husband is asleep with our dog in one room, the baby in another. I sit in a familiar setting- my darkened living room with nothing on but the t.v. for some backlight.

I just turned Karma Police on to help drown out the sound of the dishwasher.

This is what you get...

29, I am thankful to you because you gave me the most precious gift on Earth-my son, Ulysses.

29, you not only taught me what's important in life, but you also helped me discover the beautiful woman that I am. Sure, I have my flaws, but I am so much more than this shell. And, no matter how this shell may change-new stretch marks, weight gain, weight loss-the soul inside is capable of loving two someones more than there are stars in the sky.

29, You taught me what Tyler Durden has been trying to teach us for years now: ".you're not how much money you've got in the bank. You're not your job. You're not your family, and you're not who you tell yourself. You're not your name. You're not your problems. You're not your age. You are not your hopes."

29, You have bestowed upon me many blessings, including the courage to follow my heart once again.

29, You have allowed me to laugh like a child and cry with the force of a tidal wave. You threw me on an emotional rollercoaster, but led me to safety when the ride was over.

29, You showed me that it is possible to be a mother and not lose your identity in the process. Rock on with your bad self.

29, You make me look forward to 30 with excitement instead of fear.

29, You reinforced that living in the present is what needs to be done. You cannot live your life thinking about the future or rehashing your past.

Perhaps there is more I have to thank you for, 29. Suffice it to say this year I learned and lived and loved with insane passion.

May that never cease.

"May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect"--Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club,

testing

Good Ole 30, Here I Come!

I turn thirty next Tuesday, Sept.1. I honestly thought that by now I would have started my major freakout.
Panic.
Obsessing about the things I never did...things I have left to do.

And, here we are, six days shy and I'm cool as a cucumber. Seriously.
I'm actually looking forward to 30. I feel 30 will be MY year. You know, everyone has their year, and I'm convinced 30 will be mine.

I think part of the reason I haven't had my freakout is because I had one once I turned 27. 27 was my milemarker year. By 27 I swore I would have a child, a completed B.A. degree and I would be teaching little high schoolers in hot little outfits.

Well, 27 came and went and none of that happened.

But, here I am, like I said-6days shy of turning 30 and I am thrilled.

I still have 2 years left of school and as long as I complete them before I am 40 I will be okay with that.

I have a little family of my own and am discovering so many new and wonderful things about myself. I'm also RE-discovering some of my past loves, like music.

So, while I may be in the minority here, I will toast to proudly turning 30.

For a Minute There...

I lost myself.
I lost myself.

So, I reverted to Dot on the Sun. It took me long enough to realize that I was defeating the point I was trying to make with Stiletto Mommy. I was trying so hard to prove that being a Mom does not turn your former self "off" and turn you into this Mombot of sorts. But, by creating said blog I kinda turned into that person and that is not what I want.

I am still the same, except now I have a little family of my own that I love more than words could ever describe.

I feel sane and focused once again.

Welcome back.

Baby Ulysses was born.

Sometimes I can barely believe that I am actually his Mommy let alone I've been in that role for three months now. Where does the time go? I better not blink or it will be time to send him off to college.



Happy 3 months, munchkin.



I love you SO much.

It's 10:00 O'Clock, Do You Know Where YOU Are????

I know where I am.

I'm at home with my little family. Well, some nights it's just the munchkin and I. Want to know what we are doing? Youknowyoudo! Usually, the munchkin has just finished bath and massage time and we are snuggling on the couch.



My how things change in a short span of time. Just a few years ago at 10:00 PM you would find me taking a shower and getting dolled up to go out on the town. It would be 3AM and you would find me awake, but instead of checking on a little munchkin, or feeding him, I would be sitting at a Waffle House or Denny's having a night cap with my friends. A few hours later and I would collapse into my bed and not wake until the next afternoon. Yeah, you read that- AFTER noon.



Those days are mostly gone now.



Do I miss that life? I'll admit, sometimes I do. I miss sitting in a hazy bar, watching my man Karaoke his heart out. I miss the feeling of calling up friends at a moments notice to meet somewhere. I miss being giddy all day long looking forward to an awesome night out.



See, I can still have those nights...just not as often. I'm a Mommy, not ancient! I realize a lot of my budget would be blown by having those nights so often. Besides, I can appreciate them more now that they are few and far between.



But you know, I wouldn't trade the life I have now for anything in the world. Though sleep is sometimes scarce, a giggle from my son or a sweet touch of my face from his tiny yet huge hand makes it all worthwhile. Right now. Right this minute Daddy is still at work and the munchkin has taken over his spot on our bed. He is stretched out and sleeping so comfortably. He looks beyond adorable and it is taking every bit of control not to squeeze and smother him with kisses!



I knew becoming a mother would change me, I just didn't realize it would make me appreciate the simpler things in life even moreso.